Setting Intentions (and Dropping Resolutions) to Carry You Through The Year

Here’s a little nudge to set intentions focused on the process, rather than the progress you make….
Why? To lower the shame and high expectations, and turn instead towards a theme that can help carry you throughout the year.

Surprise, surprise, here we are in the last week of December, and a blog post rolls in on New Years… but I truly hope you find this one a little different, and inspiring in a new way.

As much as the Type A part of me has historically loved the concept of new years - a good reset, a chance to wipe the slate clean, and set tens of goals that have NO chance of being met - here I am to share a little nudge on how you might do things a bit differently this year (ideas gathered from Tik Tok, Instagram and incredible humans over the past couple years).

Part 1: Set ONE Intention for the entire year - and ditch the short term resolution and goals

Take a moment to consider where you are in life right now (I know, it’s a biggie).
Reflect and journal on what have been the milestones of the last year… what have you learned? Let go of? Asked for? What are you finding contributes to feeling more yourself, whole and healthy?

Then ask: What is the theme of the next step forward for you? What do you want more of in your life, and from yourself? What feels just out of reach? What would help you move towards being more yourself in your life?

This should be something you want to work on and cultivate in your life, and ideally an internal quality, process or even an emotion rather than something outside yourself, or something you could ‘succeed' at or ‘complete’, or finish

Here are some examples: Openness; Play, Pleasure; Kindness; Self Awareness

Why the shift? This way we open the door to a positively focused theme that we can’t fail at OR complete (and therefore also are less likely to give up on in the long term), and something we can come back to EACH MONTH that we can operationalize - or bring into reality - in many different ways.

Part 2: Grab a jar or box and a stack of post it sized papers and set them aside. Set a reminder for the end of each week (Friday, or Sunday evening).

At the end of each week, write down ONE moment or way the intention was alive for you this week, and put it in your container.

For example, if your intention was play, this could be something large, like going to a music festival, or as simple as playing fetch with your dog, laughing, or having a moment of carefree singing in the car.

This does NOT have to be anything big - just a simple action or moment. This helps us narrow in on whats ALREADY working, and bring attention to it (hopefully with appreciation), which strengthens the pathways in our brain around this experience, and ultimately helps us create more of these moments organically, rather than trying to force an idea of what SHOULD be happening.

Of course, after recording your momentyou might also feel pulled to set an intention or goal for the following week, which is fine as well; but try not to create any ‘I must do xyz…’ expectations.

Part 3: At the end of the year, you will have 52 beautiful reminders of your intention to remind you of what’s working, what’s moving forward, and in line with the you that you are hoping to be in the world!

(Or perhaps less… I think I made it to about 30 this past year!)

Have fun with this, share with your friends/family/partners , as it can be an amazingly feel good process to share with another person.

Warmly,

Morgan

Click HERE to learn more about Morgan.
Morgan is not currently taking new clients, but you can click HERE to learn more about workshops and courses we have to offer, some of which are led by Morgan

Attachment 101

“I don’t want to get too attached”

…a phrase many of us have heard our friends, family members, or even ourselves say from time to time. But what does it really mean to attach to something or someone? What impacts how much – or how little – we become attached? Do these attachments impact us in significant ways? And is any of this even in our control? 

For decades now, people in the world of therapy have also had these questions, which has led to a huge amount of research dedicated to finding us answers.

Spoiler alert: many of these researchers have come to understand that attachment does matter, and very often does influence how we relate to others. Out of this understanding has come entire therapeutic modalities and techniques built around specific types of attachment and the impact they have on our relationships, beliefs, and mental wellbeing. 

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If right about now you’re wondering why no one specifically taught you attachment theory – something that I am now telling you is very important and impactful – then you’re not alone! You are welcome to join me on team “attachment theory should be taught in schools.” 

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But since this vital education has yet to make its way into the mainstream school curriculum…

…let’s back up a bit, and dive into Attachment 101: The Basics. 

In attachment theory, attachment refers to an emotional bond that connects you to another person. We have different levels and types of attachments with people based on our relationships to them, how well we know them, and the different ways we align with them.

When we talk about attachment styles we are talking about something a little bit more specific. As adults, we all have an attachment style that was developed mainly from birth to 5ish years of age. This attachment style was created by the bond we had with our primary caregiver (otherwise referred to as our attachment figure); the main person or people who took care of us when we were young.

Which general attachment style we ended up with depended on how safe we felt with our primary caregiver(s), how attuned they were to figuring out our needs (both physical and emotional), and how well they were able to meet those needs. 

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There are two main categories of attachment styles: secure and insecure. For those who generally felt safe and attuned to by their caregiver, and who had a caregiver who could meet their needs more often than not, they typically end up with a secure attachment.

Other individuals develop an insecure attachment. This can be caused by a number of things, such as: separation from their attachment figure; feeling unsafe in their environment or with their caregiver; feeling generally misunderstood by their caregiver; not getting their needs met often or at critical times; or experiencing any other traumatic events during childhood. This category of insecure attachment can be broken down further to three, differently presenting types: anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. We will dive more into these another day – remember this is just 101, and entire books have been written on each of these styles.

The attachment style we develop from a young age often carries through into adulthood and can show up in our close and intimate relationships in a number of ways.

Sometimes we notice that we have unexpectedly strong reactions to specific things a friend or partner does (such as texting us back in a way that feels too slow or maybe too quick), or we can actually zoom out and observe broader relationship patterns that don’t make sense to us or we don’t want to continue (like noticing you are often romantically drawn to people who are emotionally distant). If this is the case for you, then it might be helpful to look more into attachment theory and how that might be showing up in your life. 

If you are recognizing that you MIGHT relate to the insecure side of attachment, there is good (and perhaps at times, confusing) news that I want to highlight! 

1. First of all, our attachment patterns are complex. For example, some of us grew up with different dynamics with our different caregivers – we might have had one parent we felt secure with, and one we didn’t. What this means is that our patterns of responding can also vary across relationships with different people in our adult lives as well; we aren’t always ‘insecure or secure’ by default in exact same way across people and time.

2. This brings me to my second point, that attachment styles are categories, not diagnoses. Professionally and personally, I find the different categories (secure, insecure – avoidant, anxious, disorganized) to be helpful in creating shared language to understand and communicate why we feel and react certain ways in certain types of relationships with certain people. What can be less helpful is when we then take these patterns that we sometimes exhibit and label it as part of our identity. Part of why this can be unhelpful is because…

3. Our attachment styles can change. We can heal from attachment ruptures we experienced when we were little, we can learn what we truly need in the moments we react strongly in our relationships, and we can begin to relate to those close to us in more secure ways.

In a future New Tides Newsletter, I’ll chat about the signs and characteristics of the different attachment styles throughout the lifespan. If you’re interested in looking into this sooner, I recommend you check out some of the resources I listed below as well as consider bringing your questions to one of our attachment-based therapists (aka any of the lovely therapists at New Tides). 

Therapists who work from an attachment-based perspective can help you understand your current attachment style(s), how it developed, how it shows up, and how to create environments and relationships where you can feel more securely attached. When we’re able to attach from a place of security, we often feel more attuned to our needs, connected in our intimate relationships, and confidently equipped to navigate interpersonal conflict. 

Chat soon, 

Courtney

Click HERE to learn more about Courtney, or to book a session with Courtney

Learn about attachment focused counselling here.

Digestible ways you can learn more about attachment theory and the different styles: 

• Book: Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find - and keep – love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

• Instagram page: @thesecurerelationship

• Podcast: Let’s Talk Attachments with Jessica Da Silva (LMFT)

Articles used to inform this article: 

Ainsworth, M. D. S., & Bell, S. M. (1970). Attachment, exploration, and separation: Illustrated by the behavior of oneyear-olds in a strange situation. Child Development, 41, 49-67.

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1973). The development of infant-mother attachment.

Review of child development research, 3,1-94. University of Chicago Press.

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1991). Attachments and other affectional bonds across the life cycle. 

Attachment across the life cycle, 33-51. Routledge.

Bowlby, J. (1958). The nature of the childs tie to his mother. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 39, 350-371.

McLeod, S. A. (2009). Attachment Theory. www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html

Guilt Vs. Shame: How to Tell The Difference

Transcript:

Hello. I want to talk a little bit today about the difference between shame and guilt. I think this is a really important distinction that I often talk about with a lot of my clients and I just wanted to spend a few minutes sharing with you and talk about why that might actually be important. So when I think of shame and guilt the primary things I like to think about are basically that guilt is a functional emotion - I actually really like guilt.

Guilt lets us know that we've done something that's not in line with our values and it kind of says, "I've done something that's not great". Guilt says, "I've done a bad thing". Shame goes so much deeper. Shame tells us that we are bad. So guilt is I've done a bad thing and shame sounds like, "I'm actually a bad person at my core". So we might do something and instead of having a response of, "Oh crap i need to apologize or I probably shouldn't have done that"... I often use the the example of being caught gossiping or talking about someone - it can be like this sick feeling of "Oh I've gotten caught doing something that I shouldn't have done. If we do that and we have a shame response it's it's not separate!

The thing that we did and ourselves are not separate. We become not good enough or we feel wrong as a person. We feel fundamentally bad at our core and the shame response often comes with the impulse to hide, or the want to run away, or I don't want to be seen by anybody - I should go live in a hole essentially, and I think this is really important to notice in ourselves because when we have that shame response come up it's a little bit of a red flag that there's something else going on beyond what we actually did. Not too many of us are really bad at our core and even if we experience ourselves in that way - if we do a lot of things that aren't very good there's probably a really good reason that that's how we are, that that's how we came to be, but that's a topic for a different day. It's important because shame is a social construct.

Shame is not something we are just born with and and that we that we feel just from ourselves. Shame is brought about by learning that when we do something bad we are bad as an extension so if we experience a lot of responses in our childhood that sound like, "We don't do that", that's very it's very othering. It creates a lot of separation. It tells us that if we do something we are not part of - normally the family community, the family culture -we do something that we are excluded. If when we have feelings we overwhelm people, if we overwhelm parents, if we overwhelm other people, then we learn that we can't be ourselves, that we can't express ourselves. If we are met with a lack of forgiveness or if we watch a caregiver not be able to have compassion for themselves when they do poorly or if we grow up with a lot of really high value placed on success or perfectionism, if we don't watch our parents and our caregivers fail and be okay with failure or mistakes that can also elicit shame. There's so many pieces that can elicit shame but essentially what it boils down to is that we are met with not being accepted for who we are when we experience something that's difficult or when we make a mistake, and if on the flip side we are met with compassion and kindness and understanding when we make a mistake or when we fail or when we have an angry outburst, what happens is that we learn to separate our behavior from who we are and that's a really important piece. We learn to separate our behavior from who we are.

So we can throw our ice cream at someone, we hit someone in the face and if we are met with the sense of that isn't an okay thing to do but you're okay, I want to teach you how to do something different, you're still lovable you're still okay, your internal experience is valid even if you just threw an ice cream with someone's face and the behavior isn't okay and then we learn to be able to separate the thing from ourselves and then we learn to deal with guilt instead of shame.

So when shame pops up in our experience, when we get that feeling of we're not okay we're bad, I'm not good enough then that is really a red flag for us to look at something else going on inside of us other than that thing that we did it's an invitation to start bringing understanding and compassion to ourselves in a way that we might not have experienced in the past which I think is really beautiful and really important.

We talk a little bit about shame and guilt and a lot about how to deal with our internal reactions in my program The embodied Way Through Anxiety but here's just your tidbit for today - emails going off in the background reminding that I need to be somewhere else - thank you for listening along today. If you relate to this, if you have any questions about this please don't hesitate to pop a comment in in the space below, and if you want to learn a little bit more about anxiety and our nervous system there's a free download for you below - five ways to reduce anxiety by listening and connecting to our bodies. Feel free to take a peek at that and I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day.

Warmly,

Morgan

How to Find a Therapist or Counsellor in Vancouver: The Search for the Right Fit

Our counsellors do this for a living, and we still find the search for a new counsellor very daunting!

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Looking for the short version?

Get clear on what you want help with, check your insurance coverage, then browse a few counsellor bios or a directory like BCACC (or from our counsellors’ page!) Book a free consultation call before you commit to anyone. Training and approach matters, but how someone actually feels to talk to matters just as much. That's the quick version.

Read on for the fuller version, complete with questions to ask during your intro calls.

From our team to you, wishing you luck!

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We are aware that especially in Vancouver, there are SO many counsellors and therapists to choose from, and that the process of reaching out to find a counsellor can feel like a lot rather than a relief, which obviously is far from the goal. With that in mind, here are some questions, resources, and things to sit with as you look for someone to work with, whether this is your first time reaching out or your fifth.

You're definitely not alone in finding this part hard, but hopefully we can help!

Before You Begin

Before you start scrolling through profiles, here are a few things to think through to help you know what you want, and to help narrow things down.

Finances

How much can you realistically invest in counselling right now? If you know you can only afford five sessions this year, your process is going to look different than if you can commit to twice a month for the next year or two. Neither is necessarily better than the other, it's just good to know going in and might inform your decision to even see someone low cost or avoid someone with a higher price point per session, as - yes, you guessed it - prices vary widely as well within this field.

Insurance

Make sure to check your extended health coverage before you get too far into your search; it’s not quite as simple as insurance simply covering counsellors or not.

Different plans cover different types of counsellors and therapists (and not others), so it's important to confirm what's included, and we know they can all look kind of the same:

• Registered Clinical Counsellors (RCC): masters level counsellors registered with the BCACC in British Columbia (our counsellors at New Tides!)

• Canadian Certified Counsellors (CCC): masters level counsellors registered in Canada

• Registered Social Workers (RSW)

• Psychologists: typically have a phD (or master’s in Alberta)

• Registered Psychotherapists (RP), depending on your plan: masters level counsellors in Ontario

It's also a great idea to consider checking your per-session reimbursement and whether there's a yearly cap so that you can know now, rather than partway through your fourth session.

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You’ve gotten this far… need support start narrowing things down?

Spend a few minutes filling out a few questions about you, and we'll match you with a counsellor in Vancouver, or online anywhere in BC.

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A Few More Questions For You to Ponder

How deep do you want to go?

Are you hoping to pick up a few skills, or dig into what's underneath things? If childhood trauma, attachment patterns, or complex trauma are part of what's bringing you in, look for someone trauma-informed and comfortable with attachment work or somatic (body-based) counselling. This kind of work can be slow and vulnerable, and finding someone you trust enough for it takes time. Some counsellors lean toward shorter-term, skills-based work, others toward deeper, longer-term process. These are good questions to ask (or what to look for as you’re browsing websites!)

Even if you don’t want to unpack everything, knowing that you want someone for years to come that you can pop in and out from, rather than just for one season alone, is also good to know, look for and name as you work your way through the process.

Personality Fit

This might be the most important piece here, and the hardest to search for. Notice who you feel pulled towards while reading through bios, or on a first call. Think about who you've naturally opened up to before. Someone quiet and patient? Someone with a big presence who gives you room to be your messy self? A warm, mothering kind of energy? That instinct can counts here too!

It can be a good idea to set up 2-3 consultation calls and see who most just genuinely just felt good talking to.

Values, beliefs and lived experience:

Are there any important anchors in your life such as spirituality, animals, religion? Or do you absolutely love Brené Brown? Just as in any other relationship in life, sharing values or beliefs can be a wonderful anchor in the therapeutic relationship. Having the same values, beliefs or lived experience as part of a community can be super important, particularly if you have strong political or relational beliefs, or ways of approaching life. This can be relevant if you have firm systemic or anti-oppressive values, are neurodivergent, or really want your counsellor to know what it’s like to be in your shoes (a certain cultural background, a parent of young kids, recently immigrated or going through a divorce, for example)

Your Schedule

This may seem obvious, but sometimes it’s easy to forget that availability rules people out fast. Check potential counsellors’ website booking links, mention your schedule in your first email or call can save everyone some back and forth.

Does "Therapist" and "Counsellor" Mean the Same Thing?

People use counsellor, therapist, psychotherapist, and psychologist a little differently depending on where they live and what they trained in.

In BC, Registered Clinical Counsellors are trained to provide counselling and “psychotherapy”, which essentially translates into counselling and therapy being interchangable. You'll see both words on our own site, since people search for both, and the work itself doesn't change depending which one you use. If you searched "therapist Vancouver" and landed on a counsellor's page, or vice versa, you haven't gone off track. We know it’s confusing and we wish it were simpler too.

Where and How to Actually Start Looking

A wonderful way to connect with a counsellor can be to ask around your network, particularly with friends who you know have been through similar life experiences, face similar challenges, and who you have personality traits or values in common with.

A Google or Google Maps is another good place to start if you already know what you want. The more specific you are, the better Google (or AI), will likely be able to help. For example, "Registered Clinical Counsellor for trauma and somatic therapy" beats "therapist Vancouver"). If there are a lot of counsellors in your area and being close matters, adding your neighbourhood helps too: Kitsilano, Fairview, Mount Pleasant, wherever's easiest for you to get to.

A Few Directories To Start With:

• The BCACC

  The BC Association of Registered Clinical Counsellors (RCC) is the licensing body for Master's-level counsellors in BC, and a good place to confirm someone's credentials.

• Psychology Today

  One of the most widely used directories out there. While it is useful for filtering by modality (DBT, EMDR, Attachment Focused) or population, it doesn't list every counsellor or every specialty; you’ll also need to keep in mind that there are a lot of different credentials accepted, so you’ll need to double check your insurance. Some profiles aren’t always monitored or updated, so information may not always be updated and you may not always hear back. Going to someones website to learn more is usually a helpful part of the process!

• Counselling BC

  A pretty straightforward directory that also includes psychologists, art therapists, and music therapists. Less options than Psychology Today which of course can have pros and cons.

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Of course you’re welcome to browse our team of counsellors.

We have a filters that allow you to search through our counsellors based on approach, language spoken, concerns you’re coming in with and more!

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Decoding All Those Acronyms and Therapy Modality Names

Regardless of the directories you use, you'll come across a lot of letters and terms while you're searching, and none of them are self-explanatory unless you already work in this field. You don't need to really know what they all mean in detail, but knowing the rough categories can help you figure out what you're actually looking for. Many counsellors integrate several modalities but seeing a lot of skills based or “bottom up” (process oriented) modalities usually gives you a sense of how someone works overall, or understand why a modality that worked for a friend might land completely differently for you.

Short-term & skills-based: structured, goal-oriented, focused on tools you can start using quickly

• CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)

• DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy)

• Solution-focused therapy

Long-term & relational: slower, deeper, tends to look at patterns that started long before now

• Attachment-focused therapy

• Psychodynamic therapy

• Relational therapy

• AEDP

Top-down Therapy: works through the mind first: thoughts, insight, understanding the "why"

• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

• Traditional talk therapy

• Psychodynamic therapy

Bottom-up Therapy: works through the body first: nervous system, sensation, what's happening underneath the thoughts

• EMDR

• Somatic Therapy

• Parts work (IFS or TIST)

A few others you'll see often:

• Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT): works directly with emotion as the path to change, rather than thought or behaviour

• Mindfulness-based: present-moment awareness woven into the work

• Systemic & anti-oppressive: looks at how the world around you (not just your history) shapes what you're struggling with

Questions to Ask Your Potential Counsellor

These are great questions to ask a counsellor in the 15-20 minute consultation most of them offer, or even in a first session as you get to know each other.

• How do you view how change or growth happens in therapy? This will help you get a sense of what they actually believe helps people, why they believe it works and what sessions might actually look like (i.e. cognitive work, mindfulness, compassion-focused, understanding your childhood etc.)

  • On a related note, you can ask what part(s) of the clients experience do they tend to focus most on? Emotions? The Body? Attachment history? Negative Beliefs?

• How did you learn to work with challenge you’re bringing in? This might be surprising to know, but not all counsellors are trained equally, AND not every counsellor learned everything they know from formal training. Experience working with issues such as trauma, disordered eating, identity exploration and others often includes advanced training, experience with clients, lived experience as well as supervision.

• What do sessions look like? Processing emotion, building compassion, learning skills, exploring body awareness, telling your story? This will quickly give you a sense of how they work, the speed they move and the general therapeutic process. While this may seem abstract at first, if you speak with a few counsellors or therapists, chances are you will begin to hear certain things that “click” for you personally more than others.

• Is there homework between sessions? Are you expected to do “homework” or readings? How do sessions flow from one week (or month) to the next?

• How do you handle rupture and repair? An important question, and a little awkward to ask! In longer-term work, you'll probably feel stuck, hurt, or frustrated with your counsellor at some point. These “ruptures” in the therapeutic relationship are not only a normal part of the therapeutic process, but a great opportunity for exploration, change and growth, as often this shows up in other parts of our lives as well, and having a counsellor who is comfortable and skilled with the “repair” and growth process when difficult moments come up in counselling is essential.

What if It’s Not a Fit After All?

• We try to remind every client that it's okay to bring up whats not working, even if that means another therapist might be a better match, especially if you’re feeling like ghosting rather than letting us know. Why?

  1. Therapists are humans too! We may be paid for our time, but we do care, and when a client drops off of our radar suddenly, it does matter to us.

• 2. Navigating what is working and not working can be an important part of the process in therapy. It supports working as a team, as well as navigating potential challenges that come up for you personally around asking and expressing what you need, which isn’t always as simple as it sounds.

  If it does end, it’s helpful to know that similar to other relationships, finding a counsellor who is not a great fit, or having an unfortunate experience in counselling does not mean that finding a good counsellor for you is hopeless or that counselling isn’t for you. Of course it can be incredibly hurtful and exhausting to open up and be disappointed, but hopefully this does not mean missing out on the magic that occurs when you do find a counsellor you click with. Often this takes a few trial and error; several of our counsellors have actually seen several different counsellors for different pieces of “work” over the years; keep in mind that your needs and preferences as a client can expand and grow over time!

  As much as possible, try to be patient with yourself and give yourself permission to go slowly, especially early on, or with someone you're not quite sure of yet. Even in a space that's supposed to feel safe, trust takes time to build, and usually needs to be earned.

  Best of luck in your search. If you're not sure where to begin, you're welcome to browse our counsellors or tell us a bit about yourself to be matched with a counsellor in Vancouver for in person sessions, or online therapy anywhere in BC.

Warmly,

Morgan, and the team of counsellors at New Tides, who wish you luck in finding a counsellor who you feel at ease with.

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FAQ About Finding a Counsellor Who is Right For You

• Is a therapist the same as a counsellor?

  Mostly, yes. In BC, Registered Clinical Counsellors are trained to provide both counselling and psychotherapy, so the credential matters more than which word someone prefers.

• How do I know if a therapist is the right fit for me?

  Pay attention to how you feel talking to them, not just their credentials, trainings or what they claim to be the benefits of working with them. A free consultation call is the easiest way to test that before booking a first session.
  
  Also you can feel free to use the first couple sessions as a test drive, and go slow. It’s ok to not be totally bought in at ease or sure right away. Give it some time before really deciding they are the one!

• What if I don't know what I need help with yet?

  That's more common than you'd think. You don't need the right description or a tidy goal to start. "I don't know what's wrong, but I don't want to keep feeling like this" is enough. Helping you figure it out is actually a large part of our job!

Getting the Most Out of Online Counselling

With so many counsellors making the switch to online or video counselling recently, this switch can be jarring for clients (and for counsellors too!). Here are some quick tips to think about to make the most out of your sessions with your counsellor, especially if you initially wanted to stick to in person sessions but the wait became longer than expected!

Before Your Session

Setting Up Your Space

• If you can, choose a space where you feel most comfortable in your home. If you have a calm pet nearby you can have them in the room as well!

• Make sure you have what you need: Kleenex, a pad of paper and pen, headphones, your charging cord, any items that you find soothing (soft fabric, stress ball or smooth stones, essential oils etc.)

• Focus: Focus can be tricky when you’re in your own space. Leave your phone off to the side, close all your other windows, turn off your e-mail/Facebook notifications and if ask to be disturbed as little as possible if you’re sharing space with others.

• Internet: The higher quality the better! To improve your internet quality, you can restart your router before the session and turn off your phone or other devices connected to the internet while setting up as close to your router as possible, or plugging in with an ethernet cable. In my opinion this is the biggest determinant of online counselling working well for so many reasons!

Privacy and Confidentiality

• If possible, find a private space in your home

• if your space is less than soundproof, music, other sounds or fans in common areas can help maintain a sense of privacy

Transitioning In and Out of Sessions:

• It can be so difficult to transition between so many different activities in a singular space!

• My favourite way to start a session: either right before or at the beginning of your session, take a few moments to sit quietly, perhaps with your eyes closed, focusing on your breath or checking in on your internal world to see what’s happening in your body, emotions, thoughts etc.

• Transitioning out of a session: set aside at least 15 minutes after a session to transition back into the rest of your day. This could look like journalling, taking a walk, a short yoga class, listening to music or having creative time etc.

Body Awareness & Movements

• If your counsellor incorporates somatic work / body awareness into your counselling sessions, you may have to give your counsellor a bit of help communicating what’s happening in your body outside of the screen.

  • For example, you might notice that as you’re talking about your anxiety, or the day you had, that your foot starts to tap quickly. You might find it helpful to notice and mention this in passing to your counsellor as you’re continuing to chat.

• Similarly, if your internet connection is on the slower side, you may have to make it more clear whats happening in your face and upper body as well! For example you might let your counsellor know when your breath starts to slow, or when you feel your face light up or when you feel yourself slowing down or getting ‘heavier’.

Becoming more aware and communicating what’s happening in your body is all great practice for you as well!

Getting Creative

• If you’re having hard time making hour long online connections work, you may be able to explore other options with your counsellor. This may look like a ‘walk and talk’ session on the phone, a shorter 30 minute session to touch base and talk about coping, or even a video session in the car!

Permission

The transition to attending counselling online via video can be tough!

Let your counsellor know if you’re having a hard time, or if you have questions, or if you’re feeling anxious. All are totally normal things, but talking about it or doing some problem solving might be helpful.

Understanding Anger as the Tip of the Emotion Iceberg

So often when we feel angry or someone in our lives blows up at us, we may need to look beneath the surface to know what's really going on. Anger is most functional and makes the most sense when our survival is threatened. There are times when anger may bubble up to the surface, be warranted and make evolutionary sense. (ie. When we feel like our lives are at stake, when we need to assert a boundary or defend ourselves such as when someone physically threatens us or maybe even a squirrel steals our food).

In fact, anger is often in place to cover up or take the place a host of other emotions that accompany anger, which sometimes are more challenging or more vulnerable for us to feel. Typically, the more we suppress the emotions more closely connected to what happened, the more angry we will feel. Often, a 'primary' emotion will be our first reaction, but if it is difficult for us to feel, anger can come along and cover it up (to protect us!), sometimes before we even know it.

For example, if someone asks how you’re doing, or if you need help, support, sadness, or other vulnerable emotions might be difficult to land in, and anger might arise automatically rather than admitting how you really feel! You may also respond with anger if you’re expecting yourself to be doing just fine when you are indeed struggling. In these cases, your response might sound something like, “Of course I’m fine, stop bothering me”.

The reality is, it is way easier to become defensive or angry than face softer, more vulnerable emotions such as embarrassment, sadness or disappointment. In the case above, perhaps feelings of doubt or embarrassment were hovering beneath the surface (particularly if something IS wrong or we DO really feel like we need help). This is more likely to happen if we are already feeling embarrassed or insecure with ourselves or in our relationship with others.

But unfortunately, anger may hinder our attempts to problem solve, connect with others, or engage in the emotional expression that we may need to feel better.

So if you would like to explore what's underneath, here are a few ideas:

1. STOP. Take a deep breath, count backwards from 5, or take a moment to press your feet into the ground and pay attention to what that feels like. (More grounding techniques here).

2. INQUIRE. "XZY happened and I was angry." Does it make sense to feel angry given what just happened (and yes, sometimes it may - or sometimes we may want it to!)? Is this actually about the person or situation you're presented with, or is it more about something else going on inside you? Does a boundary need to be set? Is this anger a call to action? And finally what other feelings are there besides anger, or underneath the anger?

3. BE COMPASSIONATE with yourself. Try to be compassionate towards the part of you that is angry. It probably is there for a reason, even if that reason is not currently in front of you, threatening you (ie. “ Of course I’m angry; anger was the most acceptable emotion in my family - when my parents were upset or sad, it always came out in fighting with each other. It makes sense that I lash out or feel tense when I feel vulnerable).

4. SHIFT YOUR FOCUS. Can you start to focus on the other emotion? Imagine pressing the pause button on anger, or pushing it to the side and focusing on whatever other emotions are there, even if just for a moment! Give this a little more time and space so that you can respond from a more authentic place. (More on this later!)