“I don’t want to get too attached”
…a phrase many of us have heard our friends, family members, or even ourselves say from time to time. But what does it really mean to attach to something or someone? What impacts how much – or how little – we become attached? Do these attachments impact us in significant ways? And is any of this even in our control?
For decades now, people in the world of therapy have also had these questions, which has led to a huge amount of research dedicated to finding us answers.
Spoiler alert: many of these researchers have come to understand that attachment does matter, and very often does influence how we relate to others. Out of this understanding has come entire therapeutic modalities and techniques built around specific types of attachment and the impact they have on our relationships, beliefs, and mental wellbeing.
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If right about now you’re wondering why no one specifically taught you attachment theory – something that I am now telling you is very important and impactful – then you’re not alone! You are welcome to join me on team “attachment theory should be taught in schools.”
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But since this vital education has yet to make its way into the mainstream school curriculum…
…let’s back up a bit, and dive into Attachment 101: The Basics.
In attachment theory, attachment refers to an emotional bond that connects you to another person. We have different levels and types of attachments with people based on our relationships to them, how well we know them, and the different ways we align with them.
When we talk about attachment styles we are talking about something a little bit more specific. As adults, we all have an attachment style that was developed mainly from birth to 5ish years of age. This attachment style was created by the bond we had with our primary caregiver (otherwise referred to as our attachment figure); the main person or people who took care of us when we were young.
Which general attachment style we ended up with depended on how safe we felt with our primary caregiver(s), how attuned they were to figuring out our needs (both physical and emotional), and how well they were able to meet those needs.
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There are two main categories of attachment styles: secure and insecure. For those who generally felt safe and attuned to by their caregiver, and who had a caregiver who could meet their needs more often than not, they typically end up with a secure attachment.
Other individuals develop an insecure attachment. This can be caused by a number of things, such as: separation from their attachment figure; feeling unsafe in their environment or with their caregiver; feeling generally misunderstood by their caregiver; not getting their needs met often or at critical times; or experiencing any other traumatic events during childhood. This category of insecure attachment can be broken down further to three, differently presenting types: anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. We will dive more into these another day – remember this is just 101, and entire books have been written on each of these styles.
The attachment style we develop from a young age often carries through into adulthood and can show up in our close and intimate relationships in a number of ways.
Sometimes we notice that we have unexpectedly strong reactions to specific things a friend or partner does (such as texting us back in a way that feels too slow or maybe too quick), or we can actually zoom out and observe broader relationship patterns that don’t make sense to us or we don’t want to continue (like noticing you are often romantically drawn to people who are emotionally distant). If this is the case for you, then it might be helpful to look more into attachment theory and how that might be showing up in your life.
If you are recognizing that you MIGHT relate to the insecure side of attachment, there is good (and perhaps at times, confusing) news that I want to highlight!
First of all, our attachment patterns are complex. For example, some of us grew up with different dynamics with our different caregivers – we might have had one parent we felt secure with, and one we didn’t. What this means is that our patterns of responding can also vary across relationships with different people in our adult lives as well; we aren’t always ‘insecure or secure’ by default in exact same way across people and time.
This brings me to my second point, that attachment styles are categories, not diagnoses. Professionally and personally, I find the different categories (secure, insecure – avoidant, anxious, disorganized) to be helpful in creating shared language to understand and communicate why we feel and react certain ways in certain types of relationships with certain people. What can be less helpful is when we then take these patterns that we sometimes exhibit and label it as part of our identity. Part of why this can be unhelpful is because…
Our attachment styles can change. We can heal from attachment ruptures we experienced when we were little, we can learn what we truly need in the moments we react strongly in our relationships, and we can begin to relate to those close to us in more secure ways.
In a future New Tides Newsletter, I’ll chat about the signs and characteristics of the different attachment styles throughout the lifespan. If you’re interested in looking into this sooner, I recommend you check out some of the resources I listed below as well as consider bringing your questions to one of our attachment-based therapists (aka any of the lovely therapists at New Tides).
Therapists who work from an attachment-based perspective can help you understand your current attachment style(s), how it developed, how it shows up, and how to create environments and relationships where you can feel more securely attached. When we’re able to attach from a place of security, we often feel more attuned to our needs, connected in our intimate relationships, and confidently equipped to navigate interpersonal conflict.
Chat soon,
Courtney
Click HERE to learn more about Courtney, or to book a session with Courtney
Digestible ways you can learn more about attachment theory and the different styles:
Book: Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find - and keep – love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Instagram page: @thesecurerelationship
Podcast: Let’s Talk Attachments with Jessica Da Silva (LMFT)
Articles used to inform this article:
Ainsworth, M. D. S., & Bell, S. M. (1970). Attachment, exploration, and separation: Illustrated by the behavior of oneyear-olds in a strange situation. Child Development, 41, 49-67.
Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1973). The development of infant-mother attachment.
Review of child development research, 3,1-94. University of Chicago Press.
Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1991). Attachments and other affectional bonds across the life cycle.
Attachment across the life cycle, 33-51. Routledge.
Bowlby, J. (1958). The nature of the childs tie to his mother. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 39, 350-371.
McLeod, S. A. (2009). Attachment Theory. www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html