If, upon reading this article title you noticed some dismissive thoughts arising; an eye roll; or a tightening in your belly, then let me begin by saying welcome!
You are in good company.
Self-compassion is an invitation to include ourselves amongst those we feel compassion for. While this may seem straightforward written out on this page, the experience of compassion involves recognizing suffering in ourselves and others, holding these experiences with gentleness and care, and recognizing that difficulty is part of the shared human experience – anything but simple!
The practice of self-compassion has a long history, with roots in Buddhist philosophy. Over the last few years, self-compassion has taken on particular relevance as we navigate individual and collective traumas such as the global pandemic, social injustice, and the climate crisis, to name but a few. This has left many of us with reduced access to community supports and resources in order to be with and process our suffering. Self-compassion invites us to bear witness to our pain, acknowledging this as a shared human experience and in doing so care for ourselves and help address our suffering in some way.
While compassion is a deeply human experience, for many of us self-compassion can feel unfamiliar, inaccessible, or daunting. We may think self-compassion is a nice idea in theory, however struggle when it bumps up against the narratives we hold about the ways we ‘should’ be navigating the ups and downs of life.
Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion has brought this concept into wider social consciousness, which has been transformational for many (myself included!) and yet, as we have seen with self-care, these terms can often become coopted by capitalism, leaving us unclear and frustrated about how these ideas can actually help us navigate the challenges we face.
For many of us a practical exercise can be a starting place, a way to try on something new for size. What follows is an invitation first into the ‘what’ of self-compassion, followed by an exercise offering a way to practice the ‘how’ of self-compassion. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field of self-compassion, identifies three pillars that makes up the foundation of self-compassion namely mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
While you can practice bringing these concepts into practice with the audio below, you can also use one, or all of them in every day life as you become more familiar with them.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the practice of non-judgmentally bringing one’s attention to the present moment. In the context of self-compassion, a focus on mindfulness invites us to step into an observing relationship to ourselves, noticing the quality of our thoughts, emotions, as well as physical sensations in our bodies. We cannot offer ourselves compassion if we are simultaneously ignoring our pain, therefore being present with what is hard for us becomes an entry point into self-compassion. On the flip side, mindfulness also invites us to witness our difficulties without over-identifying with them, which helps us to be present with our experiences as opposed to re-experiencing them. For example, we might envision ourselves sitting on the bank of a stream, observing our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations as leaves calmly floating by, noticing their presence without minimizing or over-identifying with them.
Common Humanity
This element of self-compassion aims to undo our aloneness by acknowledging that suffering is part of what makes us human. In viewing our vulnerabilities, mistakes, and pain as part of the shared human experience, we begin to dismantle the isolation that our full, messy, human selves can evoke when encountering hardship. Rather than an indication of otherness, our suffering can be viewed as what connects us to those around us.
Self-Kindness
Self-kindness helps us to cultivate a warm understanding for the challenges we experience, rather than doubling down on our pain through self-judgement and harsh criticism. We acknowledge that the suffering we experience is enough and rather than adding onto it, we consider how might we tend to this hurt with a gentle, caring approach. For some of us, this may feel more natural when responding to the suffering of those around us; self-kindness is an invitation to include yourself into this circle of care.
Learning something new is courageous and I encourage you to offer yourself patience and kindness as you would to a loved one learning something new or encountering difficulty. It is also worth mentioning that the process of cultivating compassion for ourselves and others can put us in touch with some strong feelings. This is normal and expected and another great reason for finding a right sized examples to work with. This might look like being present with a corner of your difficult experience or bringing your focus to 5% of the pain, knowing that you get to set the pace for your practice.
Below is a practice grounded in the three principles of self-compassion, adapted from Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Break Exercise.
Authored by: Camille Labonté Raymond, one of our registered clinical counsellors offering services in Vancouver BC.